Dallas.Duets.Dying!

My dad and I drove to Dallas yesterday to meet with my duet partner for the last time before we leave. We got a lot done and sound greaattt! I am super excited to see if we are picked to perform again!

You know, God is good. I am confident that He has a plan for me, and I know that I am on the right track.

Don't get discouraged

God is Faithful.

Today is a new day

I went shopping yesterday and this is one of the things I got. I love getting new clothes, I am not sure you could even really understand!

Today, I woke up feeling a little overwhelmed still. So I took a hot shower with Sara Bareilles blaring. I then got all dressed up and went to lunch with my mom at Johnny Carino's. It was a good way to start the day, even if we did get back at 1:30! ha!

Lots of work still has to happen, and lots of things still need to fall into place in these next four days, but God is good, and God is faithful and He is in control.

"Keep traveling steadily along [the Lord's] pathway and in due season He will honor you with every blessing." Psalm 37:34 TLB

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 NIV

Five Days

I leave for Orlando in only five days. God help me. There is so much that I need to get done and so much that has to fall into place by then, and I don't feel like I'm getting anything accomplished. I still have to record my demo cd, but every time, for the last four or five times, that I sit down to record, my voice does not want to cooperate. That is super frustrating, because I have to finish this.

I keep having bad dreams about AMTC and this upcoming event. The latest one : I am at a grocery store, like Walmart, and AMTC has a little table set up in between clothes racks where we have to get our picture taken for the pamphlet/playbill thing. I am trying to get to it, but I have to go through the grocery part of the store first. The only problem being that, every time I start to go down an isle, this guy in a killer whale mascot suit starts walking towards me. Now, I know that sounds pretty ridiculous, but in this dream, I am completely convinced that if he catches me, he will kill me, so naturally I am terrified. Eventually I end up at the Bakery part of the store, thinking I have finally lost him, and I look up and he is standing behind the counter. So I run. Somehow I find my way to the little table that AMTC has set up, so I go over to it and jump in to get my picture taken. Well, I am with two other people. The one in the middle is this 10-foot tall woman, and on her left is this 300-pound woman. Well since they are head shots, they couldn't get me and the 10-foot tall lady in one shot, so I was cut out of the picture. They asked me if that was fine with me and I just stood there, and I was like "Uhmm.. I guess? Yeah." Then I woke up.

Even though it was kind of a strange dream, it helped me so see a few things. One being that I have been feeling completely inadequate. I am doing all this work and all this stuff, but I feel totally invisible. That isn't from the Lord though! I am a child of God! He has chosen me for this profession and has put a calling on my life to pursue it. And THAT right there, qualifies me as being COMPLETELY adequate.

God is good, and God will provide.

I'm not worried about that.

Jesus, please draw me into you and help me to get everything accomplished that I need to. Thank you that YOU are in control.

Here's to new traditions

My mom and I decided that every Christmas, we will drink Mimosas and watch old wintery Gilmore Girls episodes.

Life is good<3

I talked to Zac about the whole thing, and I definatly feel like I am making the right decision. This is what I need to do.

I have been absent for awhile...

I am tired. I think I am realizing that some people just won't change, no matter how many times they convince you that they have. Don't believe them. I am just done. This guy said that he was interested in me. We talked about it for about two months, even though he has a girlfriend. Now, we are hardly talking anymore. You know what? I am so done. I am done letting him play with me like this. I deserve to be treated better and I am not going to settle for this. I don't want to be your second choice. I don't want to do this anymore. I am looking at myself, and I just don't even believe how hard I have been trying. I am tired of it. I am going to finish this song that I have been writing about it, and be completely finished with this. Maybe that is the whole point in this ugly situation, that I could write an amazing song, that is all. You will never be what I need. You will never be what is good for me. So why am I doing this? This is such a waste of time.

I really mean it this time. I am making it final.

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I still cannot even believe it. This year has gone by so fast, and so slow all at the same time. This year, I have grown so much as an artist and as a person. I am understanding the inner-workings of complex song writing, and loving every minute of it. I have done so many things this year that were terrifying, but I didn't let that stop me. I auditioned for AMTC. I pursued my dreams through AMTC. I auditioned for American Idol, and was okay when I didn't get through. I really feel like I have accomplished a lot! I have perfected four songs, and written five, and I am still writing more! I played a lead role in my high school's production of Steel Magnolias. That was really my first taste of what it is like to be an actor, and it only makes me want more! So much has happened in these 365 days and I wouldn't take back a single thing. Every mistake, every awkward moment, every heartbreak, every smile, it all lead me to be the person and artist that I am today, and I couldn't have asked for a better year. I have made some wonderful friends, and learned that some people will never be my friends. And I finally realize, that I have to be okay with that. I have to let go of some relationships and hold strong to the ones that count. Every person I have come in contact with this year, was put in my life for a specific reason. God has a plan you guys, and weather I can see it right now or not, He is still in control. That is something that I really need to spend more time appreciating.

This has been a wonderful year<3

I am jealous. I am scared. I am trying too hard.

My small group leader in my youth group just got married, and I cannot be happier for the two of them, they are going to be so happy! but at the same time I find myself being extremely jealous of them. Obviously I don't want to get married right now, I mean, I am hardly sixteen, but I am just jealous of their relationship. I am bitter because I have feelings for this guy and he has done nothing but give me mixed signals. I am bitter because I am trying too hard, and I am bitter because I cannot help but try too hard...because thats what you do when you like someone, you try way too hard to please them, or make them smile, or get their attention. So I find myself tonight, being extremely jealous of those newlyweds, because the uncomfortable and terrible part is behind them, they have found each other. Now they get to live life together everyday and go through their marriage together. I.Want.That. Probably more than I can say. And I am terrified that it will never happen, I am terrified that I will never find someone to love me like that. I am absolutely terrified.

I hate the feeling of letting people down. Its probably one of the things I hate the most. Tonight was a really hard night at practice, because I don't have my lines all the way memorized. And Yes, I will blame it on the fact that we made changes, and I will blame it on the fact that I am younger than most people there, and I will blame it on everything but myself, because that would just be too hard. That would be accepting that I have let people down. In all honesty though, that's exactly what happened. It is the worst feeling in the world to sit on stage with nobody but the director in the audience and mess up so bad. It is one of the hardest pills I will ever have swallow. And I am really trying. I am trying to do this part justice, and I am trying to prove to everyone there that I have what it takes to do this, and I am trying to prove to myself that I have what it takes to do this....and I am falling short. I just want, our director to be glad that she cast me. I want the guy I'm interested in to see it and think something more than how anyone could have done the role. Maybe I want too many things. Maybe I need to let go of some of those things...maybe I need to forget about that guy. But I cant. I just don't even have the strength anymore to try and convince myself that I'm not interested in him, because I am. But I also don't have the energy to keep being let down by him. I am sinking here.

Death is a weird thing. One day you are here and the next minute you aren't. You stop existing in this world. Nobody can touch you or talk to you or see you ever again, at least not on this earth anyway. This world is never going to have another blanket knitted by you. The world is never going to get to steal another one of your smiles. This is it, and that is sad to me. Its sad because of all the things this world is going to miss out on because you aren't here anymore.

I know you don't have much more time, but I know you will be happier once you are in heaven.

I love you.

Things I did today :

Went to Church <3
Worked on my music.
Enjoyed the rain <3

When did we stop dancing around at the store because our favorite song came on? When did we stop singing as loud as we can and not care who heard? When did we start being so concerned with what everyone else thinks of us that we neglect our own self image?

Why am I so concerned with the worlds view of me? Why do I even care what people I don't know think of me?

There is a flaw in our society. We are raised believing that to really grow up you spend your time being concerned with how we come across, with every action and word that we allow to happen. When really, growing up should be that we learn how to love everyone and not care if that love is returned, not care if they see in us what we want them to. That's how it should be. That's what we really need to learn.

I'm quickly learning...

that nothing is going to be quite as easy as I have always thought it would be. I am going to have to work extremely hard at every single thing I do. That is a little bit terrifying to me and a little bit of a relief. It is terrifying because there is so much that I want to do. It is a relief for two reasons : One, I know how to work hard, that's all I have ever known. Two, God is faithful and will provide energy for all the hard work I have to do.

I have just come to the realization that things are not going to be handed to me. They never really have been, but even with school, I have never had to work that hard to get good grades. I am learning, always learning. I will have to put everything I have into everything I do, including school, including music, including acting, including it all.

God wouldn't have called me to do this, if he wasn't going to give me the capability and the love for it. I am certain that I was called to this. I am completely in love with what I'm doing with music and acting, now all I need to do is believe that God has given me the talent to pursue it.

I am thankful that God gives new mercies every day.

He is such a personal God that he has designed mercies for every day that I will live. Everything is covered. Thank you Jesus!

Goose Bumps!

I hate it when you just shave your legs and then you get really cold and get goose bumps! It really upsets me.

I am determined to make today a good day despite all the goose bumps that are bound to find their way to my legs.

Exhausted.

For some reason, I have been so incredibly tired today. Like I might just pass out and sleep for the next 4739287429384729387492873492873 years.

We finished out blocking today! Thank.The.Lord! I die in the play and so I am not in the last scene. I have never been so excited to die in my life! No more blocking! Woot! Thursday will be the first time EVERYONE is together, and I am super excited! It will be a blast. (an exhausting blast of tired fun) :)

People are tiring. We require so much.

Dear Confusing Boy...

Can you please make up your mind about how you feel about me? That would help things a lot, I think.

Sincerely,

Confused Girl!

I wonder if divorce breaks God's heart as much as it does mine...

Listen to The Sparrow and The Crow. It is an album by William Fitzsimmons and it breaks my heart every time.

Practice was good today :)

We are still blocking and so that is super boring, but I always forget how much I love being in plays. It is the best! Steel Magnolias is going to be amazing!

Oh another note,

People are so unpredictable sometimes. It drives me a little bit crazy.

I am feeling kind of lonely today. I have been around people all day. There are just some people that I wish I was closer to. There wasn't really anybody there(at play practice) today that I have that great of a connection with, and that makes me sad. I wish things weren't so hard sometimes.

I am a tired lady

I am up to my neck in a lack of motivation. I am up to my eyes in tiredness, and I am up to my heart in high school life.

Today was just hard, it has been a difficult day. I have a million things to do, and no motivation to do them. I have a short time to sleep and a restless mind. I have my heart in this, and your heart is on leave.

Yes, I am in high school, but that does not make my thoughts or words invalid. Stop acting like it does. I am tired of that most of all.

Fight Club

Last night I went to my friend Addison's house and watched Fight Club for the first time. Brad Pitt is such a babe! Ahh! Haha!

Last night was good <3

Lots has been going on since I last posted anything.

Here are a few :

- I got the lead role in my school play (Steel Magnolias!)

- I found out that I will be getting my braces off in at least six months! Woot!

- I went to Dallas for AMTC and had a amazing and hard weekend there.

On anther note,

I am completely frustrated with the male population...Well not really just a few of them. Why are guys so confusing? Hello speak my language please?

New Again

I have been listening to this Cd pretty much nonstop for a couple of days now. It is like seeing a familiar face in a crowd of strangers. It is just a comfortable memory and I love it.

"We found a house with a yard and moved all of my things and most of your things in. Honey, I was proud of it. Honey I was proud of you." - Everything Must Go

I think that line is undeniably sweet.

Thankful Heart 2

Things that I am thankful for today :

* Rain!

* My Best Friend!

* Books!

* God!

* Elvis Presley!

All shook up!

I'm not sure quite where to begin with this post, because I'm still not quite sure how I'm feeling. There are a lot of different things going on in my head and heart right now.

I have been looking around, at all the different human relationships. Love between best friends, love between people dating, love between family, love between us and animals, and I'm seeing all the relationships that I have been secretly jealous of. I didn't realize that I was jealous, though, until I saw each one of them fall apart. Every relationship that I have been seeing as perfect and thinking how happy they must be, I'm finding out is not that at all. There is always more going on, on the inside, and before, I just wasn't seeing any of that. In the last few weeks, I am just realizing more and more how incredibly unreliable people are. There are people that you used to rely on and trust turning around and shaking your world dry. It is really disconcerting to me.

I know a few people who have a extremely terrible home life. It really breaks my heart to see how it affects them and then to see how used to it they are. I wish I could do something significant to help. I wish that I fully understood everything they feel, because honestly I don't. I want so badly for things to be good for them, I'm just not so sure that I have all the answers.

I love the weather today. It is completely perfect. It is cool and rainy, and clean and wonderful. I think everyone in Oklahoma is feeling the relief that this wonderful weather has brought.

I am really excited because I made a 116 on my Geometry test! I was a little concerned about it but I am super glad that I did well!! I also made a 87 on my Chemistry test. I wish I would have done better, but it was the first quiz of the year, so hopefully it won't matter too much.

End.rant. now!

Once upon a couple weekends ago...

Moore War Weekend!

So yesterday, I went to my first Moore War! We lost...eleven years in a row now...haha! But it was tons of fun! I went with my two bestfriends, Kayla and Christina! Anyway it was a blast, we made cute shirts, and painted ourfaces with war paint, we checked out hot WestMoore Guys and ate giant snow cones. This weekend was so much fun!

WestMoore may have won...

But Moore will still always have better school spirit! :)

27 Years

Today is my parent's 27th anniversary. How precious.

Its weird that they have been married for so long! I love them so much :)

Songs that have been on my playlist recently:

Don't ask for the water : Ryan Adams

Call me on your way back home : Ryan Adams

Everlong(acoustic) : Foo Fighters

Divided : Tegan and Sara

Hard Worker : Avett Brothers

Nothing short of Thankful : Avett Brothers

Living Room : Tegan and Sara

Just thought I'd share those wonderful songs.

Sopho...what?

Sophomore year is proving to be about 749823792837429387% harder than last year. I am actually going to have to work...a lot, to maintain A's this year. That is a little discouraging.

Mental-Break-Down

Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. This last two weeks have been super stressful and it all came to its climax last night. I was so tired when I got home, that I fell asleep on the couch. Anyone that knows me, knows that I don't take naps...so that is kind of a big deal. After dinner I decided to go on a walk and clear my mind. During the walk, there was this old man and his wife sitting in their front lawn, watering their plants. The old man waved really enthusiastically at me and I smiled at him and started crying. They were just the sweetest thing ever, and I just couldn't help it. I walked a little further, but I was crying and wanted to go home...so I turned around, trying to bypass the elderly couple this time, so they didn't think I was crazy, and failed because I got the street wrong...and right when I was getting myself together, I saw them again and started crying...again. My meltdown lasted quite a while...and I'm not sure how I feel about all of it. Today was a lot better though, I guess I just needed to release everything I had been bottling up.

God, thank you for that old couple sitting in their lawn, they were beautiful.

I'm not the person I intended on being.

I've decided that I'm not so happy with the way I've been acting. Its not okay to snap at people in class who annoy you, its not okay to be rude, and I feel like that's all I've been doing. I have been walking around bitting people's heads off for no reason. I'm really good at picking up when other people are rude and pointing that out, but I'm not so great at seeing it in my own behavior. That's not how I want it to be, that's not how it should be.

I don't want to be that person that people don't want to talk to, or don't like. I don't want people to feel like I don't like them, because of the way I act...that's not okay with me. It really isn't...

I really need to work on myself. I need to spend more time trying to make other people's day, instead of using my words, and actions as ways to bring them down. I am really disgusted with myself right now. I don't even know what to say.

I wouldn't like me, if I met me.

This needs to change now.

Starting RIGHT now.

No more.

I am a Christian, I feel like I shouldn't struggle with this...But I do. I guess that's not how it works huh? All I can do is ask God to change my heart, because I really don't like who I am right now. It is going to be a process though...and that is a little scary. God, Please help me.

Subway Fridays!

Today has been really great! (Although last night I had to take home three texts books, and spend two hours doing homework!!!) Anyyywayy! This is why today was wonderful :

Kayla and I decided that every friday we are going to walk(and eventually drive when I get my license) to Subway for lunch! Such a great way to end the week, right?!

My friend Steven, who graduated last year came into my drama class today to visit! It was kind of nastalgic to be in that class with him again, but it was a super nice surprise!

I stayed after school again to help paint our Latin Club Moore War poster! It was fun to just hang out and paint with friends! (not to mention that our poster looks ridiculously amazing!)

Ohhh and Next weekend, I am going to Moore War(for the first time! Are you shocked!?) with my bestfriends Kayla and Christina! It is going to be so much fun! I am super excited! So lots and lots to look forward too! Woot!

Lord give me strength.

I'm struggling a lot, I have no idea how I am going to be able to be in the play at school in a month. It will be having to wake up at 6:00am.School. Rehearsal from the time school gets out until at least 7:00pm. Practicing guitar for an hour. Practicing Piano/Vocal for an hour. And Homework. And Studying for tests.

I am completely overwhelmed.

God I need you.

Worn out

It is officially the first weekend of the school year! Sophomore year baby!

Yesterday I was the first day of school, and I had to get checked out during sixth hour so I could go to Dallas for AMTC. It was three hours of stressing in the car, but we somehow managed to be one of the first people there. It was super intense. We ended up not getting out until an hour later, but it was totally worth it. Of course this means we didn't get home until about one in the morning, and of course I had school the next day and had to wake up at six am! Totally exhausted.

Slackin'

I have been kind of slacking off on my music this last month. Its so much harder when you go out of town and don't have a schedule set. Then I just feel like I have all day to do it, and of course it just doesn't get done.

I have to go to Dallas tomorrow for the music workshop and I have been stressing out about it because of my lack of practicing and all, and its my first day of school as if that weren't stressful enough. But I just played through the songs I have to have for tomorrow, and it just feels right, I'm not so worried about tomorrow now. I also wrote the beginning of a melody for a chorus that I have been struggling with so I'm feeling pretty good about it.

May God give me discipline.

Tomorrow will be a good day, It is that day that the Lord has made!

On another note :

Today was the last day of summer 2011! How crazy, time is going so fast. I spent the afternoon at the park with a friend of mine (Kelby) that I haven't seen in about a year, so that was nice! And then I got to see my friend Chris just a few minutes ago! He was in Texas and just got home and so he dropped by and we just sat in the bed of his truck and talked, It was really nice, and I would love many more nights of that. He lives super close to me, so it would be great if we could become really good friends. We also have fourth hour Drama together this year, so that should be a ton of fun. We had Drama together last year too! I guess its just a trend right?

I don't know, today has just been really good, some of my highlights of the day :

• Talking on the phone with my bestfriend, Kayla!!

• Reading Guitar World Mag. on my bed with the Avett Brothers singing to me!

• Spending hours at the park even though it was like a sauna outside.

• Evening visits from Chris.

• Rain!

• Crawling back in bed

• Driving around with the windows down

Thank you Jesus for preparing my heart for this new school year.

Levine

There are many more days to come, driving around in my car with the windows down, my bestfriend in the passenger seat, and Adam Levine singing us songs that will soon become our trade mark. For that, I am amazingly thankful. Its all the little things that let you have a good day, and that will always be one of them.

I just spent the last three days hanging out with my bestfriend! All we did was watch movies, walk around, eat a bunch, and yell at each other! I missed her so much! It was super good just to be able to relax for a while.

The Movies we watched :

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One

My Sister's Keeper

Paranormal Activity Two

Jackass The Movie

The Exorcist

Hmmm, Basically I love that Girl!

School starts soon, should be prettttttyyy exciting.

P.s. If you could get me a boyfriend with Gorgeous dark hair and Amazing Blue eyes and a European accent, I would probably just die from excitement!

1 Corinthians 13:4

I'm making a worship mix Cd.(Which I will also attach the names of the songs and a video of one at the end!) I'm giving a Cd to Kayla (my best friend). We just got off the phone, and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

The thing that just really breaks my heart, is that more and more people (at my school especially) seem to be turning away from God, have been hurt by The Church and want everyone to know it, or just reallllly believe in being atheist.(Which makes no sense at all! haha!)

I know that The Church has not always done what it was made for, and I know that it has and is and probably will continue to hurt a lot of people. But I was sitting on Facebook earlier and I was just struck with how many people are posting stuff about how Christians are terrible people because they are all hypocrites and all this stuff and then just talking about how God is just something for people to believe in and nothing more, and I am sitting there and my heart is breaking and at the same time I am angry and I am hurt. Which must be how God is feeling too... I was even considering deleting this one guy in particular, who goes to my school and is gay and constantly bashing Christians and everything we believe. But, like who am I to turn him away. I should be loving him and praying for him and showing him Jesus, not ignoring him because he has been hurt by The Church and is turning that into frustration against God and His people. I should be showing him what The Church was meant to be! I should be acting more like Jesus and not letting his frustrations stop me. But at the same time I am just super frustrated too! I mean some of the things he's been saying have really hurt my feelings. I know that he wasn't directing them at me and that it shouldn't bother me, but it does sometimes. And then of course my human nature kicks in and so I am instantly mad. When someone hurts you, you get angry and you want to do something about it... But I just have to revaluate, I guess. Love is patient and kind, right? So why is THAT not my first response. I mean seriously...I have the love of Christ in me! Why is that not the first thing I feel or think?

There is another guy, (who by the way is probably the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen in real life! Like God did a public service by creating this guy!haha!) but he is a very enthusiastic atheist. That is really sad to me, because he is the kind of person that everybody wants to be around, and everyone wants to be. And so he isn't only turing himself away from God, but he is helping others to do it as well. I just wish that he could see! I absolutely hate that the name God is becoming a four letter word in my high school. Like where is the Kingdom people?! Ohhh right...Its inside of me. I want to be a light for every person I come in contact with, every day, all day long. But, guys, I am seriously struggling with it! I just don't know if I can go at this by myself, (or even with the few other christians I know at my school) I just feel really super small in this sea of people...but I mean...God is big right? So why should I be worried? He is bigger than the population of my school, so it shouldn't matter that I am one person(and super short, which doesn't really help the whole "feeling small" thing. ha!)

But sometimes it just feels completely pointless to even try.

Then again...We are told in the Bible that, it is our job to be a light and to show people Jesus! And another thing? God gives us the strength to do it all. (God give me strength?Help me to be patient and kind.)

God is just so good! I just wish that everybody would know His love.

Here is the worship mix:

-Have Mercy On Us (Prayers & Worship Vol. 1)

-Center (Charlie Hall)

-Find Me Here (Joel Limpic)

-You Are Good (Charlie Hall)

-Holy Is The Lord (Chris Tomlin)

-Beautiful Infinate God (Charlie Hall)

-Marvelous Light (Charlie Hall)

-Like A Flood (Charlie Hall)

-You Have Redeemed My Soul (Enter The Worship Circle)

-Here I Am To Worship (Sonicflood)

-How Great Is Out God (Chris Tomlin)

-All My Love (Charlie Hall)

-Indescribable (Chris Tomlin)

-All We Need (Charlie Hall)

All we get...

Sometimes I like to think about the future, and imagine the person I will be. I like to think of the things that I will do, and the people I will know. There is so much out in the world and you only get a taste of it, that's it. Just.a.taste. There is so much to experience and so many different places to visit. I wish I could get a peek at what God has in store for my life. I guess that would ruin the surprise of it all, but sometimes, I would just like to know. Life is a beautiful thing. We grow and learn, and we never really stop. There are people that came before us, and people that will come after us, and then there are people that are here at the same time. There is never a point you will reach where you can say you've learned it all, because life is ever changing, and nobody can begin to know everything that is in this life, let alone the life after this one. It is so amazing to me how God has given us so many things to look at, to learn, to do, and to hear. God has given us a million ways to express love, and He has expressed His love in a million different ways...in the trees, in the flowers and in the mountains. God has allowed us to create, and I think that is truly wonderful. God is so good, and so entirely unfathomable.

We only get a taste.

God Provides

My older sister, Sabrie, used to babysit for this family. The dad is in the military and found out that he was getting stationed in Portugal. They left not too long ago, and the family gave my sister a practically new car because they could only take one car overseas. So not only was she blessed with that, but I get to have her old car. I will have my license December 15th and with all the things I do with plays, and rehearsals, and lessons, and school, I really need to have a car so that I can get to these things without having to rely on my parents for transportation. So it is such a blessing and a way that God has provided for our family that Sabrie was given this car.

I am super excited about having my own car too! I mean that car was kind of the portal for Sabe and Tam(her best friend) for so long, and so its kind of cool that it is being passed down to me, and in a way my best friend. I just think this is such an excited time, with a ton of firsts. God is good, and He provides. How wonderful is that!

Thankful Hearts

"And we went your gates with thanksgiving on our lips and we enter your courts with praise for this is the day, that the Lord has made, and we will rejoice and be glad in you"

I desire to have a thankful heart. So these are the things that I am thankful for today :
1. I am thankful for my best friend. She and I have been through so much together and I have no idea what I would do without her. The summer after we became friends, she moved and so we didn't get to go to the same school for two years. Last year she moved back and this summer she almost left again. I am thanking the Lord that I get to have her to eat lunch with everyday for the next year and that we get to just live life together. What a blessing.

2. I am thankful for my family. There is so much I could say, but they are the best people in the world.

3. I am thankful for music and that there is such a freedom of expression in that.

4. I am thankful for movies. Haha! I know that sounds silly, but I think its such a powerful way to get a message across.

5. I am thankful that the Lord provides. I can't even tell you how many times in my life, and in my family's life where God provided for us things we would have never been able to.

6. I am thankful for freedom and I am thankful for love.

My heart is content today.

My Journey

Okay, this is kind of strange, but when I get bored...I watch interviews or music videos/behind the scenes stuff on youtube of all my favorite bands. I am just so fascinated by the music industry. I absolutely love when you get to see how much they enjoy it! I think that is so amazing. I cannot wait to be completely immersed in that.

I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to work so hard on certain things and I just get to enjoy it. I mean obviously it will always be hard work, but I would like to have a record deal or something of that sort so I didn't have to feel like I am working so hard to prove myself to everyone. I guess that is what I'm doing though, and I really should enjoy this stage because I won't be here forever, but sometimes that is hard to see from where I am.

My whole life I have known that this was what I wanted to do. Since I can even remember I have worked hard with music, goofed off with music, and let music be a place I could search myself. I have worked so incredibly hard for the last ten years, learning piano, and studying vocal, teaching myself guitar, and learning how to listen to all kinds of music. This is everything I have ever worked for, and thanks to AMTC I have the opportunity to pursue that in a real kind of way. Don't get my wrong...just because this is what I want to do with my life, doesn't mean I am not absolutely terrified...trust me I am. I am terrified of actually being in the industry. I am afraid of how difficult it will be to have to live in front of people 24/7. I am afraid to leave my friends, and I think part of me is afraid that this has all been for nothing. That I have wasted all this time for absolutely nothing. But then I think about how God said He puts the desires in your heart. And so I have to trust that that is exactly what he did! He put this passion for the music industry in my heart, and he gave me the gift of music, and so it would be almost insulting to Him if I didn't pursue this. I have to put my faith in him, so that he can/will direct my path. I know with absolute certainty that this is where I am supposed to be and so I just have to put my whole heart in it.

Ever since I can remember, I have been making mental notes of the things I want to do or not do when I make a Cd or if I am ever approached by a fan. This is everything I want to be or do when I am in the music industry. Here is a little list of the things that have compiled in my mind :

1. The lyrics will be in cd case. I hate it when I get a new cd and I am listening to a song I really like, and so I want to learn it and I go and look in the case hoping to find an answer to all I have been asking....and there are NO lyrics. So lame I can't even tell you!

2. I will always sign autographs. John Lennon spent much of his career resenting his fame, but he always made an effort to be kind to his fans and to sign everything they asked him to.

3. I will be faithful with the commitments that I make. If I have an appointment or a meeting or a show or something else entirely that is where I will be, no questions asked.

4. I will do as many interviews as time permits. I love watching my favorite musicians talk about their lives and their music and I want to extent the same feeling to others someday.

Above everything else, I have to remind myself daily, that this is not for me, none of this is for me, but for God's glory. And so I will remind myself daily that I would not be anywhere in my life if it weren't for Jesus Christ. I think that is the most important thing I could do.

My go to guys

This is just my favorite thing ever.
I love the song.
I love the video.
I love the random dog.
I love their voices.
I love everything about this.

Weary Heart

Youth group was really good tonight. I almost didn't go because my dad had to be somewhere and my mom had a not-so-great day, and I didn't want to make her have to go out of her way. But God is good, and I really needed to be there tonight. My heart is just weary. I'm just sad that there is so much hurt and struggle in the hearts and minds of people in my youth group. But like I said, God is good, and I just have to live in that because that is really all I can do.

I didn't get to drive to or from church. Lame right? My mom is kind of ridiculous about me driving. I think its just freaking her out that her baby is old enough to drive! haha!

When life gives you Lemons...

Church this morning was amazing. I am constantly amazed at how loving our God is! We were talking about how after Peter denied knowing Jesus, (leading up to his death on the cross) they had a movie-moment where they locked eyes. The face Jesus saw was one of anger and regret. The face Peter saw...One of forgiveness. How beautiful! God is so faithful! I was tearing up by the end...No biggie!

I am in the process of completely cleaning out my closet. Almost every item of clothing I own is now in piles on my floor. I have no motivation! (not to mention no room to walk! haha!) But then my mom was telling me about this thing she read, where every day you just pick up or put away 27 things. I'm not sure the significance of the number 27, but it helped. Before, I didn't want to start working on it, because I felt like if I did, then I had to finish it all then. This way, I work on it a little everyday and by the time school starts, my room will be spic-and-span...for about three seconds...but those three seconds will be totally worth it!

I haven't been feeling super motivated in my music either. Which is kind of frustrating, because that is the thing I love most to do, so why don't I constantly feel like I actually want to do it? I need to have a slow song, and a fast song, by September. (I don't have to be in Dallas for my huge weekend until September now! That is such a blessing because now, I have more time to prepare, and I will get to go to Indiana with my family to visit my Grandfather. Plus, I will get to eat at my favorite restaurant in the world! Stefano's in St. Louis! Cannoli...Here I come! ) Anyway, I haven't practiced in a couple days, which totally sucks on my part. I don't know, maybe I'll practice today?


Last night, I stayed up until about two in the morning, reading this book called Adam by Ted Dekker. It was super good! Although I had on about every light in the house...the doors locked...and the TV on mute....
Let's just say it was a little scary!


Ohh! I also have youth group tonight! So not only will I get to spend two hours in amazing fellowship with a ton of beautiful people, but I will be driving to and from church! (It is about 20-25 minutes one way) So tonight will be good!


And on a completely random note : I have been drinking a TON of lemon water! It has been over a hundred for the last month in Oklahoma. Lame right? Ha!

The walls are coming down

My Ipod won't turn on. The reason that is such a big deal to me, other than the fact that I am constantly on it, is that all the music I've written and recorded in the last few months is on it. I am terrified that I will lose all of it. Maybe this is God reminding me that I should be dependent on him and not on the things of this world, such as Ipods and things of the sort. So the only option I really have, is to hand it all over to him. I don't get to say I'm following him without making a few sacrifices I guess. So for the time it takes to get it fixed, every second I would normally spend on my Ipod, now will be spend with God. I just have to trust that if I am putting him first in all the things I do, that he will continue to lead my path and that I will not be disappointed in the outcome.

School is starting in about 19 days. I am kind of stressing out, because I have to get my priorities, with my music, my youth group, and all the plays and musicals in order pretty quickly. And then I still have to make time for actual school work and time to just breath and be with friends. It is going to be incredibly hectic. God help me! I also have to be in Dallas the first day of school, for training. So I will wake up at 6:00am get ready and go to school to start a new year, have lunch with my very best friend, and then leave straight from school and drive the three hours to Dallas with my dad. I will spend two hours in training ( It is vocal training and music training where I will have to play the songs I have written and have a professional help me work on them ) Then my dad and I will drive the three hours back home. So I will probably make it home about 11:30 or 12:00. Maybe if I'm not too tired, I will drive home! I have my permit and will be getting my license in December. I'm becoming a better driver, and driving with my dad is usually pretty good. So it should be a pretty eventful day!

I am aslo trying to make reading my Bible everyday a priority too. I was trying to figure out when I would do it, in the morning...at night...when? And I decided that I would wake up earlier before school and read it then. Of course then I was concerned that I would be super tired and that I would never be able to catch up on sleep if I did that, but then I just felt like God was telling me that if I am putting him first, that I will not be tried but renewed. How beautiful is that! God is so good! Like, I don't have to worry about ANYTHING, because he is in control of it all! Don't get me wrong, somedays are harder than others to be disciplined with all the commitments I have, but tonight He has just given me the presence of mind to understand that this is good. I am in the right place, doing the things He has called me to do.Thank you Jesus for that!