My small group leader in my youth group just got married, and I cannot be happier for the two of them, they are going to be so happy! but at the same time I find myself being extremely jealous of them. Obviously I don't want to get married right now, I mean, I am hardly sixteen, but I am just jealous of their relationship. I am bitter because I have feelings for this guy and he has done nothing but give me mixed signals. I am bitter because I am trying too hard, and I am bitter because I cannot help but try too hard...because thats what you do when you like someone, you try way too hard to please them, or make them smile, or get their attention. So I find myself tonight, being extremely jealous of those newlyweds, because the uncomfortable and terrible part is behind them, they have found each other. Now they get to live life together everyday and go through their marriage together. I.Want.That. Probably more than I can say. And I am terrified that it will never happen, I am terrified that I will never find someone to love me like that. I am absolutely terrified.
I hate the feeling of letting people down. Its probably one of the things I hate the most. Tonight was a really hard night at practice, because I don't have my lines all the way memorized. And Yes, I will blame it on the fact that we made changes, and I will blame it on the fact that I am younger than most people there, and I will blame it on everything but myself, because that would just be too hard. That would be accepting that I have let people down. In all honesty though, that's exactly what happened. It is the worst feeling in the world to sit on stage with nobody but the director in the audience and mess up so bad. It is one of the hardest pills I will ever have swallow. And I am really trying. I am trying to do this part justice, and I am trying to prove to everyone there that I have what it takes to do this, and I am trying to prove to myself that I have what it takes to do this....and I am falling short. I just want, our director to be glad that she cast me. I want the guy I'm interested in to see it and think something more than how anyone could have done the role. Maybe I want too many things. Maybe I need to let go of some of those things...maybe I need to forget about that guy. But I cant. I just don't even have the strength anymore to try and convince myself that I'm not interested in him, because I am. But I also don't have the energy to keep being let down by him. I am sinking here.
No comments:
Post a Comment