Sopho...what?

Sophomore year is proving to be about 749823792837429387% harder than last year. I am actually going to have to work...a lot, to maintain A's this year. That is a little discouraging.

Mental-Break-Down

Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. This last two weeks have been super stressful and it all came to its climax last night. I was so tired when I got home, that I fell asleep on the couch. Anyone that knows me, knows that I don't take naps...so that is kind of a big deal. After dinner I decided to go on a walk and clear my mind. During the walk, there was this old man and his wife sitting in their front lawn, watering their plants. The old man waved really enthusiastically at me and I smiled at him and started crying. They were just the sweetest thing ever, and I just couldn't help it. I walked a little further, but I was crying and wanted to go home...so I turned around, trying to bypass the elderly couple this time, so they didn't think I was crazy, and failed because I got the street wrong...and right when I was getting myself together, I saw them again and started crying...again. My meltdown lasted quite a while...and I'm not sure how I feel about all of it. Today was a lot better though, I guess I just needed to release everything I had been bottling up.

God, thank you for that old couple sitting in their lawn, they were beautiful.

I'm not the person I intended on being.

I've decided that I'm not so happy with the way I've been acting. Its not okay to snap at people in class who annoy you, its not okay to be rude, and I feel like that's all I've been doing. I have been walking around bitting people's heads off for no reason. I'm really good at picking up when other people are rude and pointing that out, but I'm not so great at seeing it in my own behavior. That's not how I want it to be, that's not how it should be.

I don't want to be that person that people don't want to talk to, or don't like. I don't want people to feel like I don't like them, because of the way I act...that's not okay with me. It really isn't...

I really need to work on myself. I need to spend more time trying to make other people's day, instead of using my words, and actions as ways to bring them down. I am really disgusted with myself right now. I don't even know what to say.

I wouldn't like me, if I met me.

This needs to change now.

Starting RIGHT now.

No more.

I am a Christian, I feel like I shouldn't struggle with this...But I do. I guess that's not how it works huh? All I can do is ask God to change my heart, because I really don't like who I am right now. It is going to be a process though...and that is a little scary. God, Please help me.

Subway Fridays!

Today has been really great! (Although last night I had to take home three texts books, and spend two hours doing homework!!!) Anyyywayy! This is why today was wonderful :

Kayla and I decided that every friday we are going to walk(and eventually drive when I get my license) to Subway for lunch! Such a great way to end the week, right?!

My friend Steven, who graduated last year came into my drama class today to visit! It was kind of nastalgic to be in that class with him again, but it was a super nice surprise!

I stayed after school again to help paint our Latin Club Moore War poster! It was fun to just hang out and paint with friends! (not to mention that our poster looks ridiculously amazing!)

Ohhh and Next weekend, I am going to Moore War(for the first time! Are you shocked!?) with my bestfriends Kayla and Christina! It is going to be so much fun! I am super excited! So lots and lots to look forward too! Woot!

Lord give me strength.

I'm struggling a lot, I have no idea how I am going to be able to be in the play at school in a month. It will be having to wake up at 6:00am.School. Rehearsal from the time school gets out until at least 7:00pm. Practicing guitar for an hour. Practicing Piano/Vocal for an hour. And Homework. And Studying for tests.

I am completely overwhelmed.

God I need you.

Worn out

It is officially the first weekend of the school year! Sophomore year baby!

Yesterday I was the first day of school, and I had to get checked out during sixth hour so I could go to Dallas for AMTC. It was three hours of stressing in the car, but we somehow managed to be one of the first people there. It was super intense. We ended up not getting out until an hour later, but it was totally worth it. Of course this means we didn't get home until about one in the morning, and of course I had school the next day and had to wake up at six am! Totally exhausted.

Slackin'

I have been kind of slacking off on my music this last month. Its so much harder when you go out of town and don't have a schedule set. Then I just feel like I have all day to do it, and of course it just doesn't get done.

I have to go to Dallas tomorrow for the music workshop and I have been stressing out about it because of my lack of practicing and all, and its my first day of school as if that weren't stressful enough. But I just played through the songs I have to have for tomorrow, and it just feels right, I'm not so worried about tomorrow now. I also wrote the beginning of a melody for a chorus that I have been struggling with so I'm feeling pretty good about it.

May God give me discipline.

Tomorrow will be a good day, It is that day that the Lord has made!

On another note :

Today was the last day of summer 2011! How crazy, time is going so fast. I spent the afternoon at the park with a friend of mine (Kelby) that I haven't seen in about a year, so that was nice! And then I got to see my friend Chris just a few minutes ago! He was in Texas and just got home and so he dropped by and we just sat in the bed of his truck and talked, It was really nice, and I would love many more nights of that. He lives super close to me, so it would be great if we could become really good friends. We also have fourth hour Drama together this year, so that should be a ton of fun. We had Drama together last year too! I guess its just a trend right?

I don't know, today has just been really good, some of my highlights of the day :

• Talking on the phone with my bestfriend, Kayla!!

• Reading Guitar World Mag. on my bed with the Avett Brothers singing to me!

• Spending hours at the park even though it was like a sauna outside.

• Evening visits from Chris.

• Rain!

• Crawling back in bed

• Driving around with the windows down

Thank you Jesus for preparing my heart for this new school year.

Levine

There are many more days to come, driving around in my car with the windows down, my bestfriend in the passenger seat, and Adam Levine singing us songs that will soon become our trade mark. For that, I am amazingly thankful. Its all the little things that let you have a good day, and that will always be one of them.

I just spent the last three days hanging out with my bestfriend! All we did was watch movies, walk around, eat a bunch, and yell at each other! I missed her so much! It was super good just to be able to relax for a while.

The Movies we watched :

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One

My Sister's Keeper

Paranormal Activity Two

Jackass The Movie

The Exorcist

Hmmm, Basically I love that Girl!

School starts soon, should be prettttttyyy exciting.

P.s. If you could get me a boyfriend with Gorgeous dark hair and Amazing Blue eyes and a European accent, I would probably just die from excitement!

1 Corinthians 13:4

I'm making a worship mix Cd.(Which I will also attach the names of the songs and a video of one at the end!) I'm giving a Cd to Kayla (my best friend). We just got off the phone, and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

The thing that just really breaks my heart, is that more and more people (at my school especially) seem to be turning away from God, have been hurt by The Church and want everyone to know it, or just reallllly believe in being atheist.(Which makes no sense at all! haha!)

I know that The Church has not always done what it was made for, and I know that it has and is and probably will continue to hurt a lot of people. But I was sitting on Facebook earlier and I was just struck with how many people are posting stuff about how Christians are terrible people because they are all hypocrites and all this stuff and then just talking about how God is just something for people to believe in and nothing more, and I am sitting there and my heart is breaking and at the same time I am angry and I am hurt. Which must be how God is feeling too... I was even considering deleting this one guy in particular, who goes to my school and is gay and constantly bashing Christians and everything we believe. But, like who am I to turn him away. I should be loving him and praying for him and showing him Jesus, not ignoring him because he has been hurt by The Church and is turning that into frustration against God and His people. I should be showing him what The Church was meant to be! I should be acting more like Jesus and not letting his frustrations stop me. But at the same time I am just super frustrated too! I mean some of the things he's been saying have really hurt my feelings. I know that he wasn't directing them at me and that it shouldn't bother me, but it does sometimes. And then of course my human nature kicks in and so I am instantly mad. When someone hurts you, you get angry and you want to do something about it... But I just have to revaluate, I guess. Love is patient and kind, right? So why is THAT not my first response. I mean seriously...I have the love of Christ in me! Why is that not the first thing I feel or think?

There is another guy, (who by the way is probably the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen in real life! Like God did a public service by creating this guy!haha!) but he is a very enthusiastic atheist. That is really sad to me, because he is the kind of person that everybody wants to be around, and everyone wants to be. And so he isn't only turing himself away from God, but he is helping others to do it as well. I just wish that he could see! I absolutely hate that the name God is becoming a four letter word in my high school. Like where is the Kingdom people?! Ohhh right...Its inside of me. I want to be a light for every person I come in contact with, every day, all day long. But, guys, I am seriously struggling with it! I just don't know if I can go at this by myself, (or even with the few other christians I know at my school) I just feel really super small in this sea of people...but I mean...God is big right? So why should I be worried? He is bigger than the population of my school, so it shouldn't matter that I am one person(and super short, which doesn't really help the whole "feeling small" thing. ha!)

But sometimes it just feels completely pointless to even try.

Then again...We are told in the Bible that, it is our job to be a light and to show people Jesus! And another thing? God gives us the strength to do it all. (God give me strength?Help me to be patient and kind.)

God is just so good! I just wish that everybody would know His love.

Here is the worship mix:

-Have Mercy On Us (Prayers & Worship Vol. 1)

-Center (Charlie Hall)

-Find Me Here (Joel Limpic)

-You Are Good (Charlie Hall)

-Holy Is The Lord (Chris Tomlin)

-Beautiful Infinate God (Charlie Hall)

-Marvelous Light (Charlie Hall)

-Like A Flood (Charlie Hall)

-You Have Redeemed My Soul (Enter The Worship Circle)

-Here I Am To Worship (Sonicflood)

-How Great Is Out God (Chris Tomlin)

-All My Love (Charlie Hall)

-Indescribable (Chris Tomlin)

-All We Need (Charlie Hall)

All we get...

Sometimes I like to think about the future, and imagine the person I will be. I like to think of the things that I will do, and the people I will know. There is so much out in the world and you only get a taste of it, that's it. Just.a.taste. There is so much to experience and so many different places to visit. I wish I could get a peek at what God has in store for my life. I guess that would ruin the surprise of it all, but sometimes, I would just like to know. Life is a beautiful thing. We grow and learn, and we never really stop. There are people that came before us, and people that will come after us, and then there are people that are here at the same time. There is never a point you will reach where you can say you've learned it all, because life is ever changing, and nobody can begin to know everything that is in this life, let alone the life after this one. It is so amazing to me how God has given us so many things to look at, to learn, to do, and to hear. God has given us a million ways to express love, and He has expressed His love in a million different ways...in the trees, in the flowers and in the mountains. God has allowed us to create, and I think that is truly wonderful. God is so good, and so entirely unfathomable.

We only get a taste.

God Provides

My older sister, Sabrie, used to babysit for this family. The dad is in the military and found out that he was getting stationed in Portugal. They left not too long ago, and the family gave my sister a practically new car because they could only take one car overseas. So not only was she blessed with that, but I get to have her old car. I will have my license December 15th and with all the things I do with plays, and rehearsals, and lessons, and school, I really need to have a car so that I can get to these things without having to rely on my parents for transportation. So it is such a blessing and a way that God has provided for our family that Sabrie was given this car.

I am super excited about having my own car too! I mean that car was kind of the portal for Sabe and Tam(her best friend) for so long, and so its kind of cool that it is being passed down to me, and in a way my best friend. I just think this is such an excited time, with a ton of firsts. God is good, and He provides. How wonderful is that!

Thankful Hearts

"And we went your gates with thanksgiving on our lips and we enter your courts with praise for this is the day, that the Lord has made, and we will rejoice and be glad in you"

I desire to have a thankful heart. So these are the things that I am thankful for today :
1. I am thankful for my best friend. She and I have been through so much together and I have no idea what I would do without her. The summer after we became friends, she moved and so we didn't get to go to the same school for two years. Last year she moved back and this summer she almost left again. I am thanking the Lord that I get to have her to eat lunch with everyday for the next year and that we get to just live life together. What a blessing.

2. I am thankful for my family. There is so much I could say, but they are the best people in the world.

3. I am thankful for music and that there is such a freedom of expression in that.

4. I am thankful for movies. Haha! I know that sounds silly, but I think its such a powerful way to get a message across.

5. I am thankful that the Lord provides. I can't even tell you how many times in my life, and in my family's life where God provided for us things we would have never been able to.

6. I am thankful for freedom and I am thankful for love.

My heart is content today.

My Journey

Okay, this is kind of strange, but when I get bored...I watch interviews or music videos/behind the scenes stuff on youtube of all my favorite bands. I am just so fascinated by the music industry. I absolutely love when you get to see how much they enjoy it! I think that is so amazing. I cannot wait to be completely immersed in that.

I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to work so hard on certain things and I just get to enjoy it. I mean obviously it will always be hard work, but I would like to have a record deal or something of that sort so I didn't have to feel like I am working so hard to prove myself to everyone. I guess that is what I'm doing though, and I really should enjoy this stage because I won't be here forever, but sometimes that is hard to see from where I am.

My whole life I have known that this was what I wanted to do. Since I can even remember I have worked hard with music, goofed off with music, and let music be a place I could search myself. I have worked so incredibly hard for the last ten years, learning piano, and studying vocal, teaching myself guitar, and learning how to listen to all kinds of music. This is everything I have ever worked for, and thanks to AMTC I have the opportunity to pursue that in a real kind of way. Don't get my wrong...just because this is what I want to do with my life, doesn't mean I am not absolutely terrified...trust me I am. I am terrified of actually being in the industry. I am afraid of how difficult it will be to have to live in front of people 24/7. I am afraid to leave my friends, and I think part of me is afraid that this has all been for nothing. That I have wasted all this time for absolutely nothing. But then I think about how God said He puts the desires in your heart. And so I have to trust that that is exactly what he did! He put this passion for the music industry in my heart, and he gave me the gift of music, and so it would be almost insulting to Him if I didn't pursue this. I have to put my faith in him, so that he can/will direct my path. I know with absolute certainty that this is where I am supposed to be and so I just have to put my whole heart in it.

Ever since I can remember, I have been making mental notes of the things I want to do or not do when I make a Cd or if I am ever approached by a fan. This is everything I want to be or do when I am in the music industry. Here is a little list of the things that have compiled in my mind :

1. The lyrics will be in cd case. I hate it when I get a new cd and I am listening to a song I really like, and so I want to learn it and I go and look in the case hoping to find an answer to all I have been asking....and there are NO lyrics. So lame I can't even tell you!

2. I will always sign autographs. John Lennon spent much of his career resenting his fame, but he always made an effort to be kind to his fans and to sign everything they asked him to.

3. I will be faithful with the commitments that I make. If I have an appointment or a meeting or a show or something else entirely that is where I will be, no questions asked.

4. I will do as many interviews as time permits. I love watching my favorite musicians talk about their lives and their music and I want to extent the same feeling to others someday.

Above everything else, I have to remind myself daily, that this is not for me, none of this is for me, but for God's glory. And so I will remind myself daily that I would not be anywhere in my life if it weren't for Jesus Christ. I think that is the most important thing I could do.